When the Good Becomes Bad

Dear Maia,

I never imagine that in the end I will giving up my relation. Again. 

It’s not my mistake though. I have been a very good partner in life for him. Maybe, next time I should listen to my Dad more. Now, I start to believe that a father’s instinct is always right. 

I want to make peace with myself by not blaming anybody and also not blaming myself. But, it’s very difficult. It’s very hard when you found out the truth and uncovered the mask just a couple of months before you legalize everything. I have tried to understand and seen everything from different perspective. Then, I thought everything was getting better, because it seemed it was. But, in the next two weeks, he changed his mind. He started to have many complains about my social media. I understand that he doesn’t like to live in social media and I have my reason why I put everything in social media recently. To be found. By those women. Well, then I have received a lot of facts that I didn’t really care actually. My focus was on how to pull him closer again. But, he didn’t give me any chance at all. He was too shy to admit his mistakes and prefered to stay away from me on weekend and every time we have day off. He always told me there was no other woman and that he will be a gentleman until the end, but I never believe all what he said at all.

Everything was so perfect for the last 4 years, despite on the little fights and problems we had. It’s common and we still can handle those all. I am the only one who has all his cards and know who he is, so that he feels so comfortable with me. I was the only person he could trust and I trusted him too, till he broke it. 

I will insist that it wasn’t my mistakes. I took double jobs when he couldn’t earn enough money for us. Then, I took a job out of town because he was jobless. But, instead of being grateful, he used this time to find a better chance with (probably if he is lucky) a better woman. But, women nowadays are not stupid (except me I guess), they are trying to find out who is the stranger who doesn’t have any family, except someone he called a brother but actually is not a real brother. I am the one who knows his family. I am the one who talks to them regularly. 

Business? Everything he has tried to manage has been blown up because of dispute. I even got dragged one time in this dispute and I was the only one who defended him when he got problems with his partners and needed to stay at police station in the airport for almost 12 hours. So many things I have done for him, to support him so he can settle down his life in my country. Not to mention that I made him teacher too. But a mud will be always a mud. I thought I can make him a respectable person, instead of being someone’s dog. And now he wants me to be just as his friend?? What friend is sleeping together and share life together except on weekend (because he wants to have his freedom with another woman)??

When I was away, he kept saying he wanted me to come back. Now, when I come back, he keeps leaving me alone. I have seen some women he was talking to. So, actually I know where he is and what he is doing. He keeps telling me that we have different perspective. If just he can treat me as before he caught cheating, I will not make the acts he doesn’t like. But, he wanted to show me that nobody cant control him, including me, that he can do everything as he likes and he wishes. While for me, that's not a relation. He hides many things from me recently and everything is not crystal clear anymore. Yes, you are right. He is not a gentleman. Last off day, he went back so late at home and I smell alcohol. He told me its Italian cocktail he took with his dinner. I still sometimes can’t believe that he can reach this stage in hurting me. Can you feel my pain? Every Saturday he tells me he will pick me up from work, but then he leaves me stranded in a mall. I, then, will keep calling and text him, but he won’t respond it. Then, in the end I will go home alone and he won’t come back home until the next day. Then when he comes back, he will look so tired but happy. He will say he sleeps somewhere and no other woman. He is just busy. It happens since the first day I came back home. He has this place to hide. 

I throw myself into a lot works just to keep myself busy and well, I need a lot of cash to prepare myself leaving him. He cannot give me what I want. He has nothing. Even time. I leave for work at 6 am and come back home at 10 pm almost every day. He does the same. So, during the week days we only meet at night in the bed time. He will cuddle me as usual, I will not do something like that with a friend for sure. For him, perhaps it is just his habit to sleep over with many women. 

Maia, I thought he will change. I thought I can handle him with his immature character. But, I can’t. I was crying and even felt like I wanted to kill myself. I wonder how come this kind of man exists on earth. Forget when I told you that he has shown his remorse after the last case just because he treated me like a queen after that. No. No. It’s a big lie, Maia. I never cheat on him until the end, Maia. He is the most insecure man I have ever met. He cheats because he thought money will change me. Because that’s him when he has money. When he is on top he usually forgets the people who have helped him. But I didn’t do it. I stay and even I helped him to find a job. A job that in the end he has destroyed by himself. I love him until today. But again, love without trust is not love. So, I prepare myself to let him go. It is hard indeed. Especially, to know the fact that he changed his mind because he has someone new and I have to pretend that I don’t know her. As you said, he lost his face in front of me and my family. So, he got panic and for him it’s better to run away rather than to fix it. As for him, he is a man and he can be with any new woman and create a good image again. My family loves him so much and they love him because he makes me happy. All parents in the world want to see their children happy for sure. The funny thing is that he told me I am now just a friend, but he doesn’t want to hang out with me while he still uses my belongings and also many things we do as husband and wife. I don’t have anything now except my works and two cats at home. I am 37 years old and I am not shy to tell the world that I have failed my life again. 

It’s not the end of the world. Anyway, if he loves me, he will try to find a way to come back to me like what he did previously. I am as a woman, who has being told to leave and given signs that he doesn’t want me anymore (though just every weekend) will never ever come back once I leave the house. I want to see you once you come back from Houston, so we can chat more. Miss you so much.

Love
Xoxo

Alicia